No idea, No thought, No notion
Not even you guess nor you feel
The feel to want, the feel that feels
This feeling can never be real

I try; know not why, but i try.
I idle not, but still live a lie
I lie for now, know not forever
But fear that I lie till I die!

No fire nor oil fuel my life of lie.
I just feel with every breath and sigh!
Though not of the heart, I dint say that for a start.
But if thats the truth, no choice but deny.


For this is the saddness we face
Until admitted,we are oblivious of grace.
The grace to know, you understand what I feel
And if so, will it still turn real?

She came to us today. A role in her mind rehearsed day in and day out. Stand next to them she thought. Stare into their eyes. Dont make an expression. Make sure the broom can be seen. Look pitiful. I looked at her. Very well knowing that no matter how much I give this kid, id see her tomorrow and then day after, and maybe the next day. And then it raced through my mind. How does she have the time to do all this. Doesnt she go to school. No...she doesnt. Doesnt she have plans of going to school. No.....she doesnt. Well dont her parents want her to go to school. No! Now will you just give her the money or at least send her off. Shes got a life you know. Hard hit. I got a life too! But whats the difference. Here it is.

The difference is in the fact that I go to bed every night thinking about how college would be the next day? Who would I meet? Would I have fun tomorrow with my friends? Would I meet him and her? Could we possible sit and have the same laughter session we had yesterday? Would I say anything wrong to hurt anyone? Would I say anything nice to make someone happy? What about colleg for the real reason I go? How much fun would tomorrows course be? Would I like my new prof? Would I be able to impress the one I like? Would I get up in the morning? Would I be able to catch the early bus? At the station would I get the train I want? While in the train can I look cool to the girls and guys travellin to Wilsons? At the station would my friends be late? Would the weather be nice today? Can I give my application for the College fest? Would they like it? Would they reject it? Would I do something? Am I worth it? Do I have enough experience? Would this help when I pass out? When I pass out would I be job worthy? Do I have what it takes? Will I be successful? Would I achieve what I want? Would I get what I always wanted? Would I be able to provide for whoever?

I think so much. And heres the same life. Right here standing in front of me.Still looking at me for the that one coin. And I know the only question revolving around her mind is how will I get that next coin? And the next? And the next?And the next? And the next? And the next?

Im sitting up tonight. Its about  5.14. Yesterday was my birthday and ive officicially completed 19years of living. I have existed for 19 of the 365 day packages. And now i realise that 19 years is a lot. Right from year one to year nineteen i have seen learnt and done so much. So much that is uncalculatable. And how many times have i wondered. That whatever i have experienced is unique  me. Noone else...NO ONE else has seen what i have seen through the eyes i have...the hands i use ...the ears i hear. No one. Looking at the screen i realise im the only one who is actually present looking from the beyond my eye sockets. I suddenly feel so inside myself. Like im a different person sitting in my eye windows..looking out at the screen moving a few controls that in turn move this large body of mine which i have nurtured developed and grown over nineteen years. How do i say this? I want people to know how i feel. Right now the world is rotating only around me! I know everyone can rightly say that they too experience the world like i do. For them the whole world is rotating around themselves. But ll never see it the way they do. However i want...ill always see them as the second and third person. Here...i am the first person. I alone will know where i have gone. I alone will know the memories i have had. I alone will see the sights i have seen. I alone will be the person to know what really exists beyond this world if once im gone through the first person i am! NOONE ELSE will be me! And how important i feel. I am a living record......to MYSELF. NOONE will ever record FLoyd Fernandes the way i do. Noone will ever be able to tell a story bout him the way i know him. I AM HIM. FOR NINETEEN YEARS I AM HIM!.....i can share...but people can sample me...they can try me..they can test me...NOONE WILL EVER NO ME.......somehow...why do i feel this is all too freaky??

I wrote once. I wrote a lot. But I remember how I used to get frustrated. IT took so long to finish. My mind ran faster then my hand. I had no time to keep up with it. I needed to say a lot more. I needed to describe a lot more. But this darn hand is just so slow. "Pick up the speed you slow coach. Yeah thats just great. Write like that and a handwriting expert would have to refer to 'Writings for Experts. A guide to pathetic writing.'" Im sorry. but it just wasnt working out for me. Id do better with my mouth I said. It snided back comments as I left it to finish the last piece of work I had scheduled it out to do before it was defunct."Yeah right. Whose gonna listen to you?"- "THEY'LL LISTEN AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT. You just write. Soon I wont have to deal with you." 'Theyll listen' I sighed.

I went on. The useless thing hung by my side. Ocassionally came out to do some work. Why the thanks... thats its duty! It is the right hand after all. Your like a big brother. Stop complaining 'why you' and just do it. Be thankful your not the left hand. You know what hes gotta do.

People listened. That wasnt the problem. But what the problem was- they werent quite hearing what I wanted them to hear. Or rather...I wasnt quite telling them what I wanted to tell them. Ahhh I have one. An excuse. "I dont know how to put it!" Big excuse. "Your hand knew how to put it!"-"Shutup. Noone asked you!"-"What!?!? Im not lying."-"Look just do your thinking and get over it. Ill need you for my books later. And dont side with that hand. He isnt worth it. Gives me a few aches now and then; thats all."

I looked down as my hand sheepishly slipped into my pockets to spend some quality time with the keys I had in there. Truth?? Soon i was distracted. My new best friend opening and closing away to glory. "This really works" I thought to myself. "Look how theyre enjoying it. Hah she laffed. She thot that was funny!! Pretty cool. Er whats that..?? Religion...I er...crap..how do I tell them. Umm..what?? Money?? Racism....Well er...I er...think think think....Abortion!?? Before marriage?? er Sex you mean??!! I umm I'd tell them but would they listen?? Well you see..." I managed to rattle of a few lines. But wait...why are people sniding and laffing. Well its not funny if youd only listen. Nao but i have a point listen to me. The more you sip on that fermentation the more your minds not gonna take in what im saying. Halo...is anybody listening. They all finaly turned and looked at me. One last glance...one chance to tell them what I think. But it wouldnt come out!! Whats happened!! I er..umm...I...gulp..."Whats the matter" my hand peeped out of my pocket..." Shy is coming...hehehehehe." I dint know what to do. People slowly began to turn away. I was left standing alone in the middle of the room. I left the gathering...and moved on.

I saw a lot from then on. The girl with the glasses. She didnt speak much. But she was head of the editorial board. Christ have you read her arguments!! Fantastic. But whats she doing here. She should be there with in the gathering...telling them what she thinks.Id do that if i were her. After all im not different from her. We share the same thoughts and ideas. "YOU DID THAT YOU FOOL"!! It took a while but the words rang clear and through my head bouncing of the walls of my skull, soaking the brain, creating a rush right through pushing its way through my heart. I shuddered through my spine and my lungs burst a contraction forcing me to gulp in air. WHAT HAVE I DONE! I looked at her surroundings and yelped. I had what she had. But it was locked in my desk. Everything. I had everything. What was I missing. I looked at her slender hand. It moved with the speed of richter scale. Maybe faster. I peeped down into my pocket. Wait a minute. Where was it. Whered it go. I must find it. Oh what a mistake I have made. I must bring it back. What if I have lost it forever. Where is.......oh...there it is. My hand rested on a notepad. In my lost state it had jumped out of my pocket and written down everything i felt. Everything I dint say. Everything I couldnt describe. There it was. In writing. Beautiful. I dint know how else to put it. It said what I wanted to say word for word. That I had so much inside me. And I wanted it out. That I wanted to share. I wanted to prove. And there it was. I read what it had written. And I felt better. I felt it was just right.

I looked at my hand. "Im sorry. I needed you and I wasted you." It sat there on the desk. Spinning the pen in its hand. Something I had taught it in our useless hours years ago. "Anymore of that and ill be writing a confession." it was on pen point. "Now lets get back to work. Whats that you were saying about...um...abortion?!!"

I havent written much after this. But Im slowly thinking about what I want to write. I complained again about  being so slow again. Well we solved that. Left hand decided to help to. He presses the capslock now and then. Right hand wanted the space and back space all for himself. "But what if I dont finish" I ask. "Weyll we finished this one."